July 29, 2012

Pregnancy Turns to Miscarriage

Breaking News: I was pregnant and now I'm not.

(This is my third pregnancy and second miscarriage.)

I wrote several posts that I was going to share with everyone when it was time to tell the world about our pregnancy, but it looks like the time has come sooner than expected. I found out I was pregnant July 16, 2012 but only a week and half later, I miscarried.

Here are my hidden posts. They should clearly demonstrate the joys and sorrows of finding out that you are pregnant.

Monday, July 16, 2012: First Response Pregnancy Test Shows TWO LINES!

Oh dear lord, the time has come once again! I am pregnant and in shock. I've known about this since the big whoopsie-daisy-fun-moment-of-bliss but my hubby has refused to believe it. I took the First Response (know 6 days before your missed period) pregnancy test four days ago and it was negative

My hubby says, "I knew it'd be negative. YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT."

I told him, "It's too early to be accurate. I don't believe it." I've been feeling complete exhaustion mixed with insomnia at the same time. It's the same odd feeling that I had when I was pregnant with Miss A. I've been feeling light headed after I stand up, and that's an early pregnancy symptom due to lower blood pressure. I've had very slight but noticeable pain shoot through my breasts. And I've noticed having to go to the bathroom a lot, today specifically. LOTS OF SIGNS! Plus a 99.9% feeling that I was pregnant.

So I took the second pregnancy test from the First Response box today because I couldn't wait any longer. Today is the day I'm supposed to start my period. I'm on day 28 of my cycle. Ever since my miscarriage several years ago, I've always kept track of my period because I was extremely excited to have Miss A. Now it's just habit... and honestly I'm pretty excited about having a second baby.

I dipped the pregnancy dipstick in the cup (I didn't want to pee all over my hand like the first test I took!!) and ran out of the bathroom, all crazily. I smiled at Bill who was freaking out. He held my arms while I watched the clock tick for about 90 seconds. Then I ran back into the bathroom to find one dark line and a second faint pink line. 


Bill's like, "Nuh uh! Let me see the box." I knew that the second line was usually fainter than the first "not-pregnant" line. I looked up comments and reviews online and everyone was stating how they received a second line that was faint too and that they either already had their baby or were far along in their pregnancy.

Crazy Times. I can't believe I am pregnant again. I looked up the due date for our second baby and he/she is expected March 26, 2013.

Unfortunately, I'm not supposed to get excited or happy/crazy about it until I'm much further along. If I have another miscarriage, I would be devastated AGAIN. That would be too much for me. So I'm going to TRY to not be excited... which is impossible. I will be posting everything in unpublished posts until we decide it's time to announce our pregnancy to the world. Once we announce our news, I will have probably dozens of real journal entries to post all at once! It will be mad crazy on my blog. 

Anyways... I still have to go to the doctor's office to verify that I'm actually pregnant. Boy would that be a disappointment... or as Bill would say a relief, ONLY so I can find myself a full time job first though. ;) 

Did I mention I've been experiencing heart burn too? Like right now... Okay, BYE!

Peace, Love, and Babies!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012: I'm a Fertile Woman

I have been pregnant three times. One miscarriage. One Miss A. One current surprise brewing. Each time was the result of ONE ACCIDENT. I kid you not. The Oh-So-Wonderful-Condiment that is supposed to work did not ONCE and BOOM. Three pregnancies.

I am blessed to have such great luck! Even though they were so called "accidents", I was very excited about the news. My first, unfortunate miscarriage only made me want to have another baby more. So then came my sweet Miss A, who was also an accident but one that I wanted so badly. And now I'm happily pregnant again! I wanted a second child to be close in age to Miss A. But after this baby, I need to get on the birth control pills because I don't trust those nasty condiments and my blazing fertility! I'm a fertile woman!

Thursday, July 19, 2012: Doctor says, YES I'm pregnant!

I went to the doctor yesterday and it is true! I'm pregnant... again!

I am still in shock and have to remind myself that I am pregnant again. It is very odd but still so so so exciting! I now have my prenatal vitamin prescription and my first appointment set up to see the obstetrician in about four weeks. How exciting!

I'm choosing a new doctor this time around. Last pregnancy, I had one or two main doctors with nine doctors who I believe were in a residency program. One of the nine doctors delivered my baby. Every doctor I met was extremely nice but this time, I want one doctor to care for me. I met most of the doctors during my prenatal care but by misfortune, I had not met the doctor who delivered my baby. I honestly can't even remember what the doctor looked like or her name. I think she was nice? I was in pain and yeah... don't remember much about her. So this time, it'd be nice to have a primary doctor with a small call group to work with.

Sooo YaY! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!

Did I already mention I hope it's a boy? I should not be jinxing this or it'll be a girl... which wouldn't be bad. Girls are cute too!

If it's a boy, my husband (Bill) says he wants to name our baby William... I DON'T THINK SO. I really hate it when parents name their kids after their first name. It is so confusing!! No offense to Bill's dad who is also Bill... or anyone else out there! It's just not for me, I guess.  If I had been introduced to my husband as Billy, like his family calls him, then it would be less of a big deal.

Anyways, I think we have decided to keep the name a secret until our baby is born. We did this with Miss A and it was awesome. No one could judge the name or influence our decisions on the names we had chosen. We think we are going to find out the baby's sex before he/she is born like last time... but we could change our minds. We have awhile to make that decision!

Friday, July 20, 2012: Thirty Two Days Into My Pregnancy- Nausea
I've been telling myself that I'm not going to experience nausea during my pregnancy this time. I'm going to tell my body how it will respond to the adverse effects of pregnancy. It's NOT going to respond! There will be no adverse effects... No nausea.


Yeah, that didn't last long. Thirty two days into my pregnancy and I already almost threw up my dinner. We were eating a bacon, scrambled egg, cheese, onion, jalapeno breakfast burrito. Towards the end of my meal, I tossed the rest of the burrito on my plate, had a quick body shiver/spasm/freak out moment, chugged my milk, and focused on holding in the meal. Watching Bill & Miss A eat the rest of their dinner was not flying over so well... I had to get up. I ate a plum, which helped get the nasty flavor out of my mouth.

HELLO?? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I. like. breakfast. burritos.

Food aversion? Or just sudden pregnancy nausea? It took me almost two hours to recover... Thank goodness I didn't throw up. That would be GROSS. If I think about the meal, (which I won't) the nausea will come back. Blahhh!

I'm going to assume it was the bacon... Or maybe it was the egg... Or a combination of it? *sigh*

Anyways, I'm still determined that was just a one time event. I'm not going to be nauseous this pregnancy. No, not me! Neverrrrrrrr!

Sunday, July 22, 2012: Hopping Back on that Emotional Roller Coaster

I am not looking forward to this hormonal, emotional roller coaster for the next eight months of pregnancy plus the year after. It is going to be a long, uncontrollable ride. I have huge mood swings when it comes to PMS and pregnancy. It is much worse during pregnancy though. I have already experienced two days of extreme anger, where I hated everything and everyone. Basically my normal minor complaints about this or that amplified X100 and I go over the edge. When I feel like this, I know I am being irrational but I can't help it. Everything inside hurts so bad emotionally.

Just because the feelings are hormonal, does not mean they are not real. They feel real. It hurts and I hate it. It is not fair that women become victims to their hormones. We experience feelings that are so real, yet they are only blamed on hormones and therefore discredited. Women's feelings appear fake.  When men have feelings, it's blamed on the situation. They are not insulted because that is just what they are feeling. It's not fair.

Yesterday, I felt extremely depressed and sad with a little anger mixed in. I could have cried on command. I absolutely hate feeling like this. It sucks, especially when someone says "Oh, you are pregnant." in response to your emotional outbreak.


I'm happy to be pregnant, I just wish I didn't have to go through this emotional roller coaster again. I think the emotions are even worse after having the baby too. It took about ten, eleven months for my brain to be normal again after having Miss A. I wrote posts about having a Mom Brain that shows you what I mean. I finally feel that it is back to normal but since I am pregnant again, it's only falling back into the trap. :/

So it's looking like my emotions/mind/brain will be out of order until March 2014. (Dear Lord Help Us.)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012: My Sad List

Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm starting to realize the things I won't be able to do while I'm pregnant. And it sucks... Fortunately, (so far) I have only come up with a few things I can't do. Here's my sad list.

I can't...
  1. Drink at Weddings. During my first pregnancy, I went to three weddings of close friends and family. I wanted to drink at two of them and couldn't. Then we had our own wedding after Miss A was born. I drank at that one but only a little. I've been looking forward to these two upcoming weddings for awhile because I've never got to really enjoy a wedding reception. I was excited to drink and let go! Party it up with the bride and groom. I can still do that... but come on, I like my alcohol at big celebrations like that, especially when everyone else does too. 
  2. Go to Cedar Point. This amusement park was on my summer/fall to do list for this year. It has been quite awhile since we went. Now it'll have to move to next fall. 
  3. Go on an Adventure or Tropical Anniversary Vacation. I will be in my third trimester of pregnancy on our anniversary, February 4. I can't be jumping off waterfalls, or taking long hiking trips through a jungle 3,000+ miles away from my doctor. That wouldn't be smart. I don't think my body will allow me to sit on a long plane ride or car ride being all big and plump either. I couldn't do a relaxing, tropical vacation either, not only because of the distance issue, but also there's no way I could pass up free cocktails at a resort.
  4. Drink, Drink, Drink. Did I mention I can't drink alcohol? I've heard a glass of red wine is okay on occasion... I might look into that further. However, I honestly haven't had much motivation to drink anyways. I'm only concerned for the special occasions but I suppose there will be plenty more life celebrations to go to in the future that I will be able to drink at.
See? It's not too big of a sad list... yet. In exchange for the disappointing things I can't do while pregnant, I do have one happy thing I won't be able to do. CAT LITTER! :P Now is the time to adopt more kittens! My hubby just told me that he will do it as long as I keep up on all my other sh*t. LoL. =]

Wednesday, July 25, 2012: Am I Having A Miscarriage? (again)

It would be my luck to be having a second miscarriage. I swear, if my entire family gets pregnant again (now that I might be miscarrying) LIKE LAST TIME, I will not be able to survive the loss.

Last night, I started to have light spotting which I know to be a normal occurrence during the first trimester due to implantation of the embryo. This morning I continued to have light spotting and then boom... lots of blood flow. There appears to be small blood clots mixed in too. I have been experiencing cramping too for the past four hours. To me, it feels like I am experiencing my second miscarriage. If it's anything like the first time, severe cramping will come in the next several hours.

I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. Oddly, I am kind of emotionless about it. I should have known because right before I found out I was pregnant again, I had three intense dreams about death.
  • Dream #1: Miss A was kidnapped and someone was trying to do harm to her. I was looking for her in a helicopter with two other people and then we crashed. We appeared to survive the crash but when we walked back to the crash site later, we saw three tombstones with our names on it. We had been dead the entire dream. 
  • Dream #2: My grandma was alive again and then had died again in my dream. There were inheritance questions. 
  • Dream #3: Another dream involving the death of my grandma.
The first time I miscarried, I dealt myself a tarot card reading. I drew the "DEATH" card along with the "PROBLEM WITH CHILD" card. The significance of the cards never hit me during the reading, but later when I miscarried. The death card does not usually mean the physical "death". It usually means the end of something, and therefore a new beginning or new start to something in your life. To me, the card is a more positive card than negative... But still, I miscarried and now I'm connecting that sign to my three death dreams I had recently.

So now you know my secret... I am very spiritual and into new age spiritual stuff. No insults please, I'm just telling you because I am just realizing that my three death dreams + my physical symptoms could mean I'm having a miscarriage again. Who knows though... I could always be wrong. As for now... I'm just going to watch TV to get this off my mind, while I wait to see if something else happens. I have a doctor's appointment Friday and I can ask. I am only 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant... so if it is a loss, I am thankful it is extremely early in the pregnancy. :/

These are my previous entries... which lead me to my updated one today, July 29, 2012. 

I definitely miscarried the day after my last entry. I saw the physical evidence of it in the toilet, which is not only emotionally disturbing but devastating, disgusting, haunting, sad, and shocking as well. I saw a red clump which was leftover pregnancy tissue. It reminded me of my first miscarriage which was the second saddest life event next to losing my grandma. My first miscarriage was around seven or eight weeks into pregnancy. That one was more painful, physically and emotionally.

Now, I'm feeling nothing in regards to my miscarriage a few days ago. I guess I'm still in shock by how fast it came and went away. I think I am bottling up emotions because of the shock of it all. Bill was sad about it, just like the first time. The only difference was that after the first miscarriage he did not want to try again for another baby and I desperately wanted to try again right away. This time, he said we could try again soon but I don't really care to try until after our anniversary in February. 


  1. I am sorry that you have to deal with this again. I'd like to think that there are two little angels protecting sweet, funny, beautiful Amelia, but I know that probably doesn't help you. Let me know if I can do anything-- and if you don't think you can talk to anyone, talk to Bill. You both have the exact same amount of experience at this parenting thing, down to the moment. He can relate. Hugs to everyone!

  2. Oh Monica,
    My heart hurts for you. I can't imagine what you and Bill are going through now. Please know I'm thinking of you and willing to listen if you need to talk. <3

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss, Monica and Bill <3 Words can't express what you've went through, now twice. Like Cathleen stated, Amelia now has two little angels looking out for her. Don't lose hope, just know it wasn't the right time. XO

    1. Thanks Cassie. I was pretty disappointed but not nearly as much as the first one. I'm okay with waiting and trying again for our second baby later. :/


Thanks for reading!
xx Monica xx

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