February 22, 2012

Another Wave of Depression

In order to keep my Facebook and Twitter free from being bogged down by negative posts, I will try to capture them all in one blog post here. I told myself before starting my blog that I would mainly post about positive things related to family life--- life with a baby. But let's face it. Family life.. or any part of life does not only consist of sunshine and rainbows. If there are ups, there are downs. And right now... I am down.

I'm feeling...
Trapped. My beautiful 7 month old baby makes me feel like I can't do anything, despite all my ranting and raving of how "Just because you have a baby, doesn't mean you can't do anything!" The absolute worst thing about parenting is that I have had to wake up to a crying baby everyday for the past 7 months. [That's a big FML]. In addition, my husband is at a job with a crappy schedule & he is forced to work a lot of overtime. This makes me feel like I'm going crazy, especially because I am home 24/7 without him and without a job myself.
Bored.  I am stuck at home... I feel like I'm waiting for my life to end. Nothing exciting is happening. Baby milestones are exciting but they aren't exciting when you're withering away while your baby is blossoming.
Uninspired/Unmotivated. I can't find motivation to look for jobs. I wanted to apply for jobs outside of Michigan/outside of the country. Now I can't do that because I am stuck with a million dollars in student loans and Bill has a job that he does not (rightfully) want to leave yet. He said he will leave it, if I find a job that is higher pay. Also we have been looking for houses to rent in a town I absolutely do not want to live in. Everyone (including Bill) thinks we should look there and it's because of convenience of having a free babysitter nearby. My biggest reason for not wanting to move to this place is irrational and therefore ignored. I simply hate this town. Why? Just because of how I felt when living there. Too difficult to describe. I'm uninspired because I'm not accomplishing anything I wanted to do. My bigger goals were moving away/having an exciting career, but I shouldn't complain because I have the family I've wanted too. Handsome/loving/awesome husband & beautiful/healthy baby...
Worthless. I don't feel like I will find a job that even has decent pay. When I say decent, I mean $20,000 annually. I have way too many student loans to settle for something like that. I can find a job, trust me but you what that job is? Sales clerk jobs.... Other minimum wage jobs. For now, I work as a reader, grading standardized tests. If that was full time, it'd be great because the people are awesome. It's part time though so... yeah.. I must motivate myself to commit to a full-time job search. I graduated from Michigan State University over a year ago now! It's crazy how fast time flies.
Overwhelmed by Nothing. I can't keep my life organized anymore with a baby. It is difficult. I feel like I should be able to do everything and anything I want. For goodness sake I am a STAY AT HOME MOM right now. My only task is to take care of our baby. I feel overwhelmed though. I used to be able to effortlessly keep our apartment clean and keep up on laundry & the dishwasher. I don't know how to do that anymore and it bothers me because I need a clean, clutter-free space to live in.

I feel like I should be on depression medication but I really hate medicine... including birth control pills. I'm not good about remembering them. My only cure right now (which helps a bit) is coffee.

I'll be fine... I just need something unknown that's around the corner.
I have a career fair to attend tomorrow. That could help me. We will see.

1 comment:

  1. It's okay to be naegative and it's okay to be sad, and aknowledge that motherhood isn't always cheery. That being said, It will get better and if there is one thing that little girl means it's that you will NEVER be worthless again. XXOO


Thanks for reading!
xx Monica xx

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