September 13, 2012

Finding My Pre-Motherhood Brain

Am I transforming back into my pre-motherhood self with my real pre-motherhood BRAIN?

Instead of feeling stuck and depressed at home, I have found a job that is allowing me to grow in new ways. I am working as a care provider at a mental health facility. I've never worked in any health setting before so I am really excited. This will be an entirely new experience, which is absolutely fascinating. I hope that I enjoy this field of work so I can work this into a real, longterm career. I might be thinking too fast or far ahead of me, as I've only attended two training classes this week, but I am finding my ambition again! I feel like I am important again and I feel so much better when I am home. I even attended yoga last night at the local wellness center, which inspired me even more! This job has given me a higher sense of purpose and awakened my pre-motherhood brain somehow. During my trainings I started to find my old self again as I was learning new material and conversing with the other new employees. I really took a few moments to realize and tell myself, "WOW! Thank you, Monica, for coming out of hiding. I thought I would never find you again!"

I find it silly that motherhood could bring a dark shadow over my life when so many beautiful moments were happening day after day. An absolutely stunning baby was brought into my life. She has taught me a lot of unexplainable, intriguing things about life just by watching her learn and grow. I think my problem is that FIRST, as a woman, I am doomed by a vast ocean of hormones and I have a family and personal history of depression. SECOND, society has taught me that I can only be successful if I have a flourishing career. THIRD, in reality, motherhood doesn't seem to be honored as much in the United States as in other societies. Let's face it, most women would not say that they wanted to stay home and be a mother when thinking about their future. If they did, they would feel probably feel guilty or feel like they were letting society down. I know I would feel that way. FOURTH, boredom of repetitiveness. Doing anything 24/7 for an entire year would lead to boredom, and in my case depression and brain mashing.

So because of these reasons, I cannot be a stay at home mother any longer. I have been trained since birth to do learn and explore life through several activities at once. This has been the first year of my entire life that I have sat down and done nothing but be at home... (well also, caring for a baby and all that entails). I feel better with a busy schedule. I am not one to sit on the couch, watch TV, or play video games day after day after day after day. When I fill my schedule, at least a little bit, I don't feel so depressed or stuck.

Once I am deep down in a pit of depression, it takes forever to get out. The only thing I did to help it was apply for a hundred jobs and get rejected, which only worsened the issue. I finally got my new job thanks to a friend who encouraged her boss to interview me. (Don't even get me started on how much I hate networking... The job I got was the one I was least qualified for out of all the jobs I applied for! Not complaining about my job... complaining about the 'system'.) I am not saying that I am entirely out of depression but I feel alive again. I've started to become an angry, annoyed person at home due to my life having been stopped, or so I have felt. I don't like the person I have been becoming so it was really nice to find my old self again at my job training class. I don't want this dark shadow to affect Miss A's childhood so I am glad to be feeling better. I think this job will help me get back on my feet so I can be motivated to become an even better mother, spending more quality time together.

I look forward to my pre-motherhood brain resetting completely back to default. [with the exception of the invaluable knowledge that motherhood dishes out] Wish me luck!

1 comment:

  1. You deserve to be happy, and I'm glad to read you're close to it.


Thanks for reading!
xx Monica xx

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